Deep Blue Something?

best of pornographies, 2007, by jimothy mooper

I know, I know, said I was givin’ up the pornographies. But then I was asked to come up with a best of 2007 list for the blogs, and the only thing topical I pay any attention to is pornographies and lunchables. And lunchables are all the same, regardless of expiration dates. And I just sound so eloquent when writing about the pornographies.

3. grubbietits2.wmv -At first glance some would think the set up is amateur—a man metering light, the director giving out disciplined, yet subtle directions, and the dude with a still camera flashing pictures, and all of it on camera. They’d be wrong, though, for sure. This ain’t a sign of unruly filming by a couple of cherried-blood-pink filmmakers on the outskirts of San Bernardino, but a symptom of meta-fiction(porn), a convention used in most other arts since Flann O’Brien started spittin’ his shit. Besides pornographies, until now. In short, the director of grubbietits2.wmv is the Charlie Kaufmann of the pornographies scene.

2. girls.blondes.lesbys.hotaction.wmv-The gent in this file looks like he was an extra on 90210 and had more than a few rejection slips from The Highlander, both film and series. His stubbled chin (reaking of aftershave, I’m sure), and pony tail blur from motion and slight buffering as he starts out fucking hard, skips to foreplay, and then. BLAM, we backs at a BJ, and then, godbless his Tarentino incensed heart, back to hardcore fucking. Makes me wish Memento had more girls/blondes/lesbys/hotaction, and wave file action.

1. Potato Hidin 4: Baked, Sans Sour Cream- Compartimalized, short, and wholly unhealthy, this pornographie reminds why I fell in love with lunchables in the first place.


My three least favorite porns of 2007 coming soon.

underwhere

I’ve got a leaky faucet. And I am not talking about my sink, kitchen or otherwise. Now today I realize after a month of being short on underwear after The Incident (a blog for another day) new underwear is needed, sorely. So I go to my local Fred Meyers.

Upon arrival, a predicament is shown to me in deciding which whitey tighties I should purchase. My first instinct is to buy the color white—not because of racism and/or The Bible, but because, well, they are “whitey tighties.” But if the pure is my choice what awful calamities could happen upon them? For one, as I have mentioned, my leaky faucet would render the front of my new under-shorts yellow. Secondly, The Incident, aforementioned, of which I am at no point to be able to write on, could ravage the color white in unmentionable ways. White is out, but what of black? Semen, semen is what of black—the foil to all colors condensed—or lacking, depending if you look upon a computer screen, or a painter’s canvas.

Black is out. Green is preposterous. And blue? Blue you ask of? I may as well buy black.

So my proposal is this: A multi-colored “whitey tightie”, one that will suffuse semen and urine in the front, and would hide in the back whatever came of The Incident.

I’m requesting a campaign convincing Hanes, and Michael Jordan if needs be, to create such a tightie for us with leaky faucets, a propensity to precarious semen placement, and those, who at their lowest point, can succumb to The Incident.

Join me.

Diamonds on my neck!

I'm rich bitch!

Food Groups.

I am not a healthy eater, so when I buy a cookie thinking it is a chocolate chip cookie and it turns out to be an oatmeal raisin cookie it will ruin my entire day. I hate raisins, whoever thinks that a raisin is better tasting than its original grape form is a fool I feel sorry for and would probably punch in the face if they wanted to debate it with me. Oatmeal and all that, wheat and grain stuff, I say feed all that junk to cows or something, humans made chocolate, booze, candy and soda for a reason, and that reason is because we got sick of eating stuff that doesn't taste good.

more about potatos, part two

part one here

Craig's(hit)List

A small collection of my Craigslist debauchery ads are posted on my new blog. I have been called a lot of bad things in my life, but it is fair to say that I, "The Alcoholic Oprah of the blogospher," am lower than the sewer, here is my blog and I am sticking to prove it.