Missing Potato in the hood, our bloggers discuss.

Local events are of primary concern here at beard publication. So when we, the editors, noticed a tutu wearing bulldog named Potato was missing we just had to have our bloggers comment.

Jimothy Mooper
I suppose that Potato dog is rolled up in an Arabian rug in a dumpster somewheres in Chinatown. I mean, look at how she’s/he’s dressed, basically asking for it, with that fairy shit fluttering.

Vicki Blah
It is my assumption that this dog was stolen by someone who knew that this particular tutu wearing bulldog would fetch (no pun intended) a handsome ransom. Five thousand dollars is a huge reward for a missing dog. I remember a few years ago when there was another high-profile dog napping in Portland and the reward was $100, the dog was a nondescript looking golden retreiver that answered to the name, "Buck." This sent every street kid underneath Burnside into the suburbs stealing dozens of these dogs from backyards so they could use the reward money to buy drugs. With five thousand dollars up for grabs I am surprised that every bulldog in a 500 mile radius of Portland hasn't been snatched as an attempt to fool Potato's parents out of the cool 5g's up for grabs for his safe return.

Terribly the Tumbleweed Journalist
There are quite a few possibilities, none of which are conclusive or all encompassing. First, earlier missing signs say the potato is “missing.” Now the prognosis has changed, we are told the dog was “stolen”. How did Potato’s owners learn their dog was stolen? How did they come up with the name Potato? And why did they not think naming a plumpy, out-of-shape dog after the most unattractive of starch-based foods would cause self-esteem problems?

Before yesterday I figured this was just another case of a dog rolled up dead in a rug somewhere in Chinatown until I was working the day shift at my c-store. A group of children, ages five to six, were conversing about Potato in a hushed manner while rummaging through ring pops. The plight of missing/stolen Potato goes further than any of us can imagine. It’s obviously an international kabal and Potato is just another victim in a string of bulldog/starch based food tragedies.

I fear for Korn; they may be next.

Barry Portugal
The disappearance of Potato has prompted a city-wide search, a color printer at Kinkos to go ca put and it is rumored that the newly out of work Duane "Dog the bounty hunter" Chapman is coming to Portland to personally track down the thief that stole Potato in an attempt to win back the hearts and minds of American television viewers after his son sold a phone recording of a racist rant to the National Enquirer for 15k, or 1/3 of the reward money for Potato. Vicky, you do not know what you are talking about people are in fact coming to Portland to search for Potato, but sadly much like his tuberous namesake, he will most likely be found buried in a field.

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